Tag Archives: potty

The Poo Chronicles Part II

NOTE: This is the continuing story of the Poo Chronicles.  If you would like to read the first installment you may read it here.  The short version is that we have been trying to potty train my 3 1/2 year old daughter for over a year.  We have tried everything and now have resorted to bribery with a dinosaur. I’m loosing my mind here trying to get this kid to shit on the potty.  We think she might be afraid to do it that is why we are bribing her, regardless this is a typical day in the life.

DAY 398-Still No Poop!


6:40 AM:  I am awaken to the sounds of “I need to go po-tty” through the baby monitor.  I jump out of bed and race to her room.   Once there  we rush to the bathroom.  Sure enough, she pees!  At least she told me before hand I tell myself; success comes in many forms.  We go about our morning eating breakfast, watching TV and getting ready to go to the grocery store

9:45:  I go to get her to get dressed and go potty.  As we are walking to the bathroom, she says to me “Mommy, something smells.”  My heart drops to the floor and  I ask already knowing the answer “Did you poopy in your pants?”   “Yes” she says laughing.  I get ticked off for like 2.5 seconds then remind myself she is only a child.  As I am cleaning her up, she asks me “Mommy was it my fault?” I blink for a second not sure how to answer this question.  I don’t want to squash her spirit, but I don’t want to just drive by the whole incident without acknowledging that she needs to learn from this.  I decide on “Well you are just learning. And maybe next time you will make it to the potty and get that dinosaur.”  She looks at me with the most sincere look anyone has ever given me with her big brown eyes and says “OK Mommy.”  I get her dresses and we head out to the grocery store.

11:30 We return from the grocery store accident free!  Now I know she can hold it.  First thing we do when we get home is go potty then I prepare lunch.  Fifteen minutes into lunch I hear “I need to go po-tty”.  She might have to go, but I know the score. She is playing the ‘I need to go potty’ thing for all its worth.  But I take her and she pees.  I decide that now is the time to try to get nap time going.  We do the usual nap time stories and songs and I leave the room telling her that Mommy will be back in a few minutes to check on her and to take her to go potty.  Learning my lesson from yesterday, I set the timer for 20 minutes this time.


1:20PM I go in her room.  She and her bed are dry.  I am seriously grateful for this, as I don’t feel like changing sheets and being the enforcer all by myself.  I take her to the bathroom and she potties right away.  I sit her back on the potty and ask her to try to poop.  She sits there and makes grunting faces, but it dawns on me that she might have no earthly idea how to “push one out”.  After 3 minutes I say  “OK lets go back to your room for nap time.”  But anarchy ensues and she refuses to get off of the potty saying she is trying to poop.  I let her  have a freak out for a few more minutes, then I try to get her up, but she has somehow made her body weigh more that a 200 pound man and goes limp like a noodle.  A struggle ensues and I carry her back to her room all the while she is kicking and screaming “I need to poop!”.  I set her down on her bed and walk out of the room as she sobs uncontrollably.  This is where all the guilt and doubt comes in .  Am I doing this right?  Am I just selfish to want some quiet/nap time?  What if she really has to poop? Am I a monster for letting her cry like this?  Am I traumatizing my child? After about 8 min she stops crying.  I reset the timer for another round wondering if 1:30 is too early in the day for wine?

1:58PM  The timer goes off and I rush into her room.  Again, the mattress and her are dry.  I take her back to the bathroom.  She isn’t mad or upset or anything.  I sit her on the potty and within about 28 seconds she pees, a lot.  She jumps up all proud of herself.  I dump the pee and ask her to sit back down and try to poop.  She grunts and grimaces again, but to no avail.  After 3 minutes of grunting and groaning I announce that its time to go back to naptime.  This time she gets up on her own and goes in without the use of force.  I reset the timer for 20 min.

2:30 PM  Timer goes off, naptime is over.  I take her to the bathroom.  She pees again, but no poo, despite sitting there for 3 min.  She asks if naptime is over.  I say yes, sadly as I have gotten nothing done except to come to really hate the word poo and want more wine.

4:00 PM She has peed twice and I decide to take a car ride and go to the bank. So I have her pee on the potty before we leave.  Traffic is heavy and we end up having to take a detour.  Still there and back we were gone 45 min and no accidents.

5:40 PM Daddy is home! Yhea!  We decide to go out for dinner.  We forget to take her to go potty before we leave.  Unfortunately, I remember while we are strapping her into her car seat.  She throws a fit when she realizes I’m going to take her back inside to go potty.  As a compromise, we agree to go potty when we get to the restaurant.

6PM We arrive at the restaurant and go directly to jail the bathroom.  She pees a little bit.  I feel successful and we go back to our seats which is in the middle of a dark and dimly lit room.  Ten minutes into the never-ending chips and bean dip I smell something.  Something that rhymes with the word troop, only not in an army kind of way.  I say “ Did you poopy in your pants?’  She giggles wildly and my heart drops.  We walk into the women’s bathroom for the second time.  I scan the stalls.  If this is going to be a mess then I need room to do it in I say to myself as I pray that the handicap stall is vacant and that no one needs it while I’m in there.  I shut the stall door behind me and I pull the child towards me and pull at the back of her pants, peering  behind her with the caution of cat burglar.  She is clean!  OH! Glory be!  I chalk the smell up to a big fart and tell her what a good girl she is.  We go back eat our dinner and leave.

7:15 We stop at Whole Foods for some wine, Momma’s had a hard day!

7:30  It’s bedtime and we try one more time for some pee and hopefully #2.  Immediately, she whips out some pee and jumps up.  I wipe her and ask her to sit back down and try to poo.  She sits back down and we wait.  This time I decided to try for 10 min instead of 3.  I give her books and eventually her Leap Pad to play with while I check my Facebook.  I figure if we are both on our devices then my crappy parenting skills don’t matter as much (pun not intended but it was a good one. No?).  At minute seven I smell something!  I look up from my phone and she has this gigantic smile on her face.  I start cheering wildly, jumping up and down.  My husband comes running to the bathroom to confirm the verdict.  He starts cheering.  We all cheer and form  a Mardi Gras Second Line  parade to retrieve the Dinosaur!  I’ve never been prouder!  We give the child her dinosaur and she is the so excited and proud of herself. I open the bottle of wine.



UPDATE:  We have had some successes and some failures, but I think overall things are getting better. It is just really slow going, like turtle with a slug.  Nap time is better too.  She goes to her room willingly most of the time and 90% of the time she comes out dry.  There are still a lot of accidents with #2, but there are more and more success every day.  When she poops on the potty now we give her dinosaur stickers and that seems to work for the most part, but thank heaven for wine that works the best for momma.

The Poo Chronicles Part I


NOTE: For over a year we have been trying to potty train our 3 1/2 year old.  It has not gone so well.  Well meaning people tell me “Have you tried the 3 day method?” I smile and think to myself you have no fucking idea!  We thought she was ready. She exhibited all the signs; just Google potty training signs and you will see what I am talking about. So we attempted and it was a colossal fail.  So we stopped. She exhibited more signs and again fail.  Finally, she decided, on her own, one day that she was going to wear panties. So we decided to give it another go, but this time we weren’t giving in.  Alas, it has been really slow going, like turtle stuck to a slug slow, but things have improved. She doesn’t really wear diapers except if we go somewhere, at naptime and at bedtime. She now pees on the potty when taken every hour or so, but will not initiate on her own. However, that is not the end that has given us so much trouble. The following is a typical day in the life.

DAY 397- No More Diapers


7AM-  The child wakes up.  I go into her room and take off her pants and diaper and bring her to the bathroom to sit on the potty.  I explain that today is a special day.  She gets excited, to her special day is a trip to Chucky Cheese or something.  I tell her that today we don’t wear diapers anymore, just at night and not for much longer anyway. And that today we pee and poop only in the potty.  Her response is unenthusiastically  “Oh” but no action in the potty.

8AM First pee on the potty of the day.  I count that as a raging success and prepare breakfast. Then we all get dressed and get ready to go for a hike in the woods.

9:45:  We are all ready to go, just waiting on someone to pee on the potty so we can head out.

10AM: Success!  After peeing on the potty we head out to the woods for about and hour and a half with no accidents.


I get a little worried that the child might pee in the car seat during the 7 min trip home, but she surprises me and we make it home and  she pees on the potty.  I am shocked!  I then prepare lunch and there are two subsequent other successes on the potty.  I am beginning to think “we got this”.

1PM:  Nap time.  Oh how I have dreaded nap time since making the executive decision of no more diapers because every single day she poops at naptime in her diaper.  First, I take her to the bathroom and talk to her about pooping.  That it is about to be naptime and she needs to poop on the potty.  I reminder her about the two M&M’s she will receive if she poops on the potty and the dinosaur she will also get if she poops on the potty (Yes, I have resorted to bribing my child-hey don’t judge! It’s day 397 for Christ sake!)  No dice. She is holding it, but she does pee on the potty. Partial success. I take her into her room, re-explain that we don’t wear diapers anymore during the daytime and that Mommy will come in and check on her in a little while and take her to the bathroom.  We do the naptime story and obligatory song and I leave shutting the door.  I set the timer for 30 min.

1:25 PM The husband hears over the baby monitor “I need to go pee-pee!”  He rushes in like the cavalry to save the day, but it is too late. Pee is all over her and has saturated the bed.  I rush in behind him and take her to the bathroom.  Strip her down and sit her on the potty.  I remind her again that pee and poop go in the potty.  I tell her that naptime is not over, but we are taking a break so she can poop on the potty.  Meanwhile, husband changes the sheets and mattress cover.  After 3 min of sitting on said potty we go back to her room.  She throws a fit when she realizes that she is going back to bed.  I move on resetting the timer for 30 min.


1:58PM The timer is about to go off in about 2 minutes when I check the baby monitor and notice that she is sitting in a big puddle and having a grand old time singing and playing.  I go into the room and take her to the potty while dad strips the bed. This time her pillow is also wet. I  strip her down and remind her about pee and poop only go in the potty and again about those two M&M’s and much anticipated dinosaur.  She responds with more pee, but no poo.  I bring her back to her room tell her I’ll be back soon to take her to the potty.  This time a full melt down occurs because she is pissed (pun intended) that she has to stay in her room again.  I subsequently shut the door and wish I was still a smoker.  I also worry that if she pees again then we have a real problem because I am out of sheets and mattress pad covers.

2:30- Hallelujah nap time is over (words I have never uttered to myself before).  I go into her room and to my surprise she and the bed are dry. I take her to the potty and re-explain about pee and poop and the potty.  Nothing.  I know she has one in the chamber, but is refusing to push it out.  So now I decide we are going to step it up and go every 30 min to the bathroom.  Husband and I do some chores around the house for a while.  While doing my 3rd load of laundry for the day, I come to the realization that I need at least one more mattress pad cover and sheet If I’m going to make it through this whole potty training thing with a mattress intact.  I tell my husband my epiphany and we decide to head to Toy’s R Us after her next successful potty.

4PM We drive to Toy’s R Us during rush hour traffic.  I silently curse myself for not putting more mattress pad covers on my baby registry when I had the chance.  We pick up said mattress cover and decide to sweeten the pot (pun also intended) by allowing the child to pick her own dinosaur for when she poops on the potty. Yes, more bribery, I’m feeling great about my parenting skills right about now.  After much agonizing over what to pick, the child decides on one and we head home.  On the way home, we pump up the potty, saying “if you poop on the potty your going to get that dinosaur.  Won’t that dinosaur be fun to play with? You gotta poop in the potty to get to play with that dinosaur.”  She then tells us when we get home she is gonna “poop on that potty”.



4:45PM We make it home and all three of us huddle in the bathroom to see the show.  We await the poop with the  same anticipation concert goers await the main act.  But it is all for not.  The only thing that happens is she pees and then has a big cry fest about it.  We have no idea why she is crying at first, then I realize that we might have put too much pressure on her to dump her load.  I almost cave from regret and give her the dinosaur, but then a little voice in my head says I might regret that decision for the rest of my life.

6PM: I leave for the night to meet a friend for drinks and husband takes over potty duty. When I get home at 10PM, I notice the dinosaur is still sitting on the kitchen counter taunting me.  I get the run down from the husband…no poop. I silently curse the green dinosaur on the countertop as I walk by.